Update / The Waiting Room

Update:

The Night Before Surgery

According to the surgeon, Nathan's procedure yesterday went "perfectly."  He is out of the ICU today and on a regular floor in the hospital.  There is a lot of swelling - he hasn't been able to open his eyes since before surgery.  This has caused him to be pretty anxious and upset at times.  This is all what we were told to expect but it's still hard to have your little 1 yr old freaking out because he's blind and have no ability to reason with him or console him well.  Our voices, touches and some good drugs every few hours help some.  Hopefully today and tomorrow will be the worst days of swelling and then it will go down from there.

Thanks so much for keeping him in your prayers.  I keep telling him he's so much stronger than he knows.

Below are a few pictures and some thoughts of mine from The Waiting Room.

  

Just After Surgery

Father Son Bonding

Swelling this morning

 

 "It’s the worst torture in the world...  Waiting, when you know there’s nothing you can do.” 

                                                                                                        - The Mocking Jay

THE WAITING ROOM

Oh, God.

Not here.

Not here again, please.

I recognize this place.  It is both the same and different.  It is a place I am so familiar with and yet each time I feel like a bit of a stranger, an aimless wanderer with no real place to land.  There are plenty of places to sit but no where to land...  Everything changes yet everything is the exact same every time.  I look at everything but see nothing.  The walls, the seats, the screens the decor - they are all embedded so deeply in my memory that I don’t even notice them anymore.  I remember other walls, couches, noises and smells from the same sort of place in a different location.  I’m no longer a newcomer to this place. I’ve had lesson after lesson of how to pass the time, how to distract myself, what things to focus on, what tasks to try to get done and yet, I’ve learned the painful truth that time. moves. slowly. in this place.

Haven’t I logged enough hours in these treacherous walls of torment?

My husband is here.  He has been with me every time, in every room, for every hour.  I look at him and wonder what he thinks about this place.  Who am I kidding?  I know what he thinks of it.  He hates it as much as I do.  We come to this place differently, we’ve learned.  I try to process as much as I can ahead of time to prepare myself, he prefers to wait for the moment.  Sometimes there have been family and friends with us, sometimes we have been alone.  The details are different but the weight of the wait is much the same.  

I’ve had lots of time to observe the people who share this room with me.  Sometimes we make eye contact, sometimes small talk, sometimes we try desperately to avoid the pain in each other’s eyes.  The longer you have been in and out of here the more quickly you are able to spot the newbies.  Their fear is so raw.  I remember my own first days here and I ache for them.  This place does not discriminate.  People from every race, neighborhood and belief system are here.  Many of their stories are more intense than my own, many pale in comparison.  Whether it's tonsils being taken out or hearts being operated on, each story is unique and each person is being pushed to their own new limits.  The details are different but the weight of the wait is much the same.

This waiting room of mine for the past 15 months has been very physical, very tangible but I am not alone in my waiting.  I know so many who are waiting for so much...  Waiting month after month to see a little blue line appear on a little plastic stick, waiting to hear the word "remission", waiting for a diagnosis that they hope will help bring answers.  Some are waiting for some sort of financial stability, some for freedom from addictions that have long enslaved them.  Some are waiting for husbands to stop exchanging true beauty for cheap substitutes, some are waiting for a lover's hand to hold, some are lovers holding hands and waiting for death.  Some are waiting for reconciliation, some just waiting for resolution.  Some are waiting to see the good that will come, some just feel like they are waiting for the day they can stop waiting.  The details are different but the weight of the wait is much the same.  

My theological and philosophical training are pretty limited but there are a few things I am pretty sure of...  Waiting is a painful and unavoidable part of our common human experience.  Comparison is futile.  It leads no where and in fact it only increases the temptation to allow the wave of isolation to swallow you.  Because the waiting can be so intense, so painful and so completely out of our control Self-Pity is a quick and natural companion to come rushing to our side.  But she is not a true and good companion.  She lies to us and tells us that the details are too great, too complicated and too severe.  She slowly and steadily works to convince us to keep our eyes on our own circumstances, our own feelings and our own pain.  When she is at her best, Self Pity overwhelms and overtakes us, keeping us from the encouragement of others and most devastatingly, a true view of who God is.

The God of the Bible, my God, is not the malicious, uncaring, far removed God I can all too quickly imagine him to be while I am waiting.  So, when we wait we must give our minds a plethora of truths to feast on.  These truths and many others like them...

• For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard when he cries to him. - Psalm 22:2
• The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.  And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not abandoned those who seek you. - Psalm 9:9-10
• You will keep in perfect peace him who mind is steadfast because he trusts in you - Isaiah 26:3
• I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope...hope in the Lord!  For with the Lord there is steadfast love and with him is plentiful redemption. - Psalm 130:5-7

No matter how alone I feel when I am waiting, God promises not to abandon me or leave me by myself.  Because I have faith in him and trust him, He is always with me, even as I wait.  This is not because my faith is great but because his character is good.  In fact, when God makes promises in the Bible, he swears by himself.  The relationship I have with God because of his son Jesus who died on a cross and was abandoned by God for a moment so that I would never have to be, is the most secure relationship I could have.  God has covenanted himself to me which means that when I wait, for however long I wait, He is with me.

The details are different but the weight of the wait is much the same.

We will find ourselves in and out of waiting rooms as long as we have breathe.  Sometimes the wait will be over quickly, sometime it will be enormous.  Some of the things we are waiting for may be realized, some will not.  Some waiting will lead to relief, some waiting will lead to disappointment and some waiting will lead to devastation.... The details are different but the weight of the wait is much the same.  Ecclesiastes says that "eternity is written on our hearts."  Romans 8 tells us that we, along with creation, groan and wait eagerly for redemption.

One Day, the wait will be over and the weight will be lifted.  On that day "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be ANY death, there will no longer be ANY mourning, or crying or pain." (Revelation 21:4.)

One Day, the beauty of the full and complete redemption of all that is broken will far outweigh the weight of our wait.