You Are Loved and You Were Wanted

Little One,

You are loved and you were wanted.  Let’s start there. 

Your dad and I talked about you for quite a long time, actually.  After the first year/year and a half of your brother’s life and the intensity of fighting for both his life and quality of life it took more time, more conversations, more prayer to be sure that we were ready for a third child in our family.  Then, in ways that are more easily felt than articulated we both sensed a confident assurance that yes indeed, we were ready.  And so when a little plastic stick told us of your existence, we were ecstatic!

The first time we saw you on a little screen we marveled and our vision blurred with rejoicing as we saw your little, tiny heart beating fast.  We knew how deeply we love your big sister and brother and instantly our hearts expanded as they filled with that same love for you.  Telling your 3 year old sister you were coming was pure joy!  She was so excited!  In fact, she would tell everyone (cashiers, strangers at the park) that “we’re having a NEW BABY!  I’m gonna be a big sister TWO TIMES!”  Your brother (in typical guy fashion) was less verbal... But I have no doubt that if given the chance, he would have used his newly found skill of walking to go get you a paci, or a blankie or whatever it was he thought you needed. 

You are so loved and you were SO wanted.
You treated me almost exactly like your brother and sister did for those first few months... making me feel sick and tired, reminding me that you were boss.  I thought about you more than you know and more than I even realized.  I might not have obsessed about you the way I did with your sister (she was my first, what can I say?) but I was always thinking of you... thinking of you before I ate or drank anything, thinking of you when my head was throbbing and I powered through instead of taking medicine.  I thought of you as I carried laundry down the stairs, being extra careful not to slip.  I thought of you as I fell asleep, looked in the mirror, picked out clothes, put appointments on the calendar.  I thought of you when I day dreamed.  I even thought of you as I thought of our Christmas list... I know, it’s a little early for Christmas lists but I’m a planner and like I’ve said before... 

You are loved and you were wanted.

When my body stared acting funny you were my first thought.  I made all the right phone calls, and honestly because things were just a little off, I was not too terribly worried.  I already had an appointment to go in early the next morning to see the doctor and there was almost no doubt in my mind that the appointment would clear up any apprehensions I was having.  Your dad is a good, good man.  Wise beyond his years and caring beyond what I deserve.  In his wisdom and caring, he arranged to be with me at the appointment - he was eager to know everything was okay too.  We were talking together in the waiting room, taking bets on your gender, talking about room arrangements...  all the things parents do as they anticipate meeting their baby.
You are loved and you were wanted.

Even when we couldn’t hear your heartbeat I was not panicked.  I don’t know if it was denial or what but I was so sure that you were just positioned funny and that the sonogram machine would show us all just how strong and healthy you were.  It didn’t take long for either your dad or me to interpret the screen...  We didn’t even try to hide our tears...  The technician was compassionate and respectful.  The doctor was incredibly empathetic.  The stillness of your body on the screen was haunting.

You are loved and you were wanted.
The hours and days that followed were both raw and surreal.  My womb had become a tomb and I had no choice in the matter.  I was carrying you with me knowing that you had already left me.  I felt such a strong urge to protect you even while I knew I could do nothing.  I would have fought for you, Little One.  I would have stopped anything, done anything, given anything.  I would have fought fiercely for you had I been given the chance.  Your dad couldn’t stop hugging me.  I think he too, was feeling the crunch of precious time and wanted to be as close to your body as possible while he was able.  As we were tucking your sister in bed she came over, kissed my tummy and said, “Baby, I’m sorry you died.”

You are loved and you were wanted.
The finality of your leaving was traumatic and healing.  The pains of labor without reward.  Your little body was beautifully complete in it’s incompleteness.  Our homemade casket was a feeble attempt but it was the best we could do to honor you.  I wept as I kissed that little casket.  I wept for all the things I would never see you do, all the things your dad would never get to teach you.  I wept for the hugs, kisses, bath times, arguments, sleepovers and memories you would have had with your big brother and sister.  I wept for the cries I would never hear and the lifetime of conversations that will be left unspoken. 

You are so loved.  And you were so wanted. 
Of all the things I would have dedicated my life to teaching and showing you, you already know the most important even more fully than I do myself...  Jesus is a good and beautiful Savior and God is a faithful and trustworthy God.  These are the truths heralded by the scriptures and these are the truths that I stand on even as I carry my grief.  God is the author of LIFE not death and sickness.  Even so, he is sovereign over all so nothing comes to me except which passes thru his hands.  I don’t know why He has allowed this but I am learning from your brother and now you that knowing why probably wouldn’t really help anyways.  The big answer to why is that I am living in a broken world.  Jesus will come back to this brokenness again and He will redeem and all things will be made new.  Until then, since I don’t know why I will cling to what I do know...

  “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you”  - Isaiah 43:1-2

“In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.” - Psalm 138:3

“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.  Are they not in your book? - Psalm 56:8

“... in the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart, I have overcome the world.”
      -Jesus.  John 16:33

“ Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man.  He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore...”  - Revelation 21: 3-4



My hope is built on nothing less than the truths of these scriptures and so many more...

I love you and I wanted you.

Jesus loves you more and Jesus has you.

All my love,
Mom