Toes and Tubes on Tuesday

Tomorrow morning, Tuesday, April 18th Nathan will have his 10th surgery.



Considering where we have been and what lies ahead this surgery is neither major nor minor - just a good ole' fashioned Apert Syndrome Tune-Up.  He'll be having his 3rd (or 4th?!) round of tubes put in his hears to help address some hearing loss.  He is also having work done on his big toes.  They've been growing 90 degrees in the wrong direction - so tomorrow they will break them and put a pin in each of his big toes to help steer the direction of their growth.

Tomorrow's surgery is at Medical City, Dallas and it *should* be an outpatient procedure.  Nathan will be coming home with a short cast on each leg and hopefully lots of meds for pain and sleeeeeep!

He is on the up swing of a cold...  I wish surgery was two or three days from now from a respiratory perspective but since it's not my hope is that surgery will progress as scheduled and there won't be any unforeseen complications with his coming off the vent, etc.  It's been over two years now since he has had trouble coming off of the ventilator after surgery so while my mind can be tempted to remember and dwell on the worst moments, there's good reason to be hopeful.  Ultimately, the professionals make that decision so please pray with us for clarity and safety for our little guy tomorrow.

"How are you feeling about surgery?" has been a common refrain the past week or so from family and friends and the honest answer is I don't really know.  On one hand, like I said earlier, this isn't at all the scariest surgery he has had or will have.  We've handed him over for 9 surgeries and countless other scopes, tests, etc.  So in many ways this world that was so scary and unknown has become our M.O.  And the logistics take over - where to stay, what to do with the other kids, how to best care for him once we get home...  Once again, I am so thankful for amazing family friends and even a new church family to help with these types of details.

On the other hand, each time I hand my son over to surgeons I come crashing into the walls of my own finiteness all over again.  As fierce as my love is, it is limited.  My love can't make it all go away.  My love can't even protect him from pain.  Just as my love couldn't protect him at the park last week when a little girl pointed and said he was scary and screamed and tried to pull her brother away from Nathan yelling, "I'll save you."  My love can't fix or protect him from all the painful, frustrating and just hard ramifications of Apert Syndrome - physical, mental, emotional or otherwise.

My love does, however cause my heart to break for him and propels me to intervene on his behalf.  It is my love for him that drives me to the playground to help him attempt to make a new friend in the safety of my presence.  It is my love for him that has compelled me to weekly therapies for 3.5 years week after week though on any given day his progress can appear negligible to the naked eye.  It is even my love for him - love with a view to the end-  that allows pins to be pushed into his feet for his own sake.

Sound familiar?

Wasn't it just yesterday that calendars across the world had the word EASTER written across the tops of them?  Wasn't it just this weekend that we remembered the love of One who is Infinite, who is not limited in His love or Power?  Haven't I rehearsed to my own heart again how the love of God is what propelled Jesus to leave heaven to intervene on my behalf.  Is it not the love of Jesus that has compelled him week after week, decade after decade to engage in the process of transforming me even though I can often feel like I'm not making any progress?  Isn't it the love of God that compels him to gift us with his very own Spirit so that we are navigating the painful parts of our brokenness in the safety of His presence?   And was is not the purest, strongest, fiercest love imaginable that compelled Jesus to stay on a cross while nails were being pushed into HIS feet?  Wasn't it His love with a view to the end that lead him to the cross for my sake?

And then Easter.  What some dismiss, I cling to as my greatest hope.  The resurrected Jesus Christ.

My love for my son is not enough to save or protect him from the pain of brokenness.  Who am I kidding?  My love for myself isn't enough to save or protect myself from the pain of brokenness.    However, there is a love - the love of God, made tangible by Christ and felt by the ministry of the Holy Spirit that is more than enough.

Everything isn't going to be fixed tomorrow.  But...

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because
HE LIVES.



Comments

  1. Will be praying for you guys and for Nathan tomorrow!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Such an amazing perspective in the midst of uncertainty. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. There's so much truth and honesty and vulnerability in this post. Thank you for sharing your struggles and the truth of Jesus' power in love. I am praying for you and your hubby and Nathan. I'm praying protection over his respiratory system and that the Lord will give him the strength to come off the vent without complications. Praying for comfort in his pain and healing and also that many will experience the sweet aroma of Jesus in your presence. Blessings of peace, hope, and triumph over you!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's Been a Decade

You Are Loved and You Were Wanted