A Day to Celebrate and Remember
On This Day....
We CELEBRATE the birth of our precious son one year ago.
We REMEMBER the shock, fear and panic that grabbed and twisted our hearts the moment he was born.
We CELEBRATE incredible doctor's, specialists, and others who by doing their job excellently ensured our son's safety during the first days of his life.
We REMEMBER the fog, the weight, the emptiness of dreams crumbling around us and the sting of eyes that have cried out all their tears.
We CELEBRATE that at the end of our dreams our God is still good.
We REMEMBER the days when we couldn't touch him, the weeks of the ventilator when we could see him cry and cough but not hear his voice.
We CELEBRATE having him in our arms (heavy, awkward casts and all) and the joy it brings us to hear him laugh.
We REMEMBER walking past his room and wondering if he would ever come back to it... wondering if our home would ever actually be his home.
We CELEBRATE no unexpected hospital admissions since June and looking at seeing our son in his crib every night before we go to bed.
We REMEMBER thinking breastfeeding was so important.
We CELEBRATE his general surgeon and the three surgeries he preformed on Nathan to allow his body to pass and process food. And we CELEBRATE his feeding tube which has allowed him to grow and thrive.
We REMEMBER the piles of bills. Piles and piles of astronomically high bills.
We CELEBRATE the family and friends who have given so generously along the way.
We REMEMBER the time that our son "coded" in the hospital (he totally stopped breathing and was unable to take a breathe.) As people literally came running and yelling into the room throwing chairs out the the way to get close to his bed, we stood back - our eyes locked on his little body even as we saw the lines on the monitors get flatter and flatter...
We CELEBRATE that he finally took another breathe.
We REMEMBER the overwhelming, every day tasks of laundry, cleaning, groceries, caring for Madison and Jonny working.
We CELEBRATE each of our moms who, for seven months straight, each came at least once a month for a week or two to help. And our incredible friends who cared for our daughter, washed our laundry, brought meals to the hospital and home, cleaned, flew in to help, sent cards and gift cards, organized fundraisers and stood in the gap for us.
There is MUCH to remember and MUCH to celebrate.
Some moments are so painful that part of me wishes I could forget them but I know I will and must remember. There are moments so dark, so cold and so lonely that the only thing I can do when I remember them is to beg the Lord, "remind me or show me how you were there." I remember being so dazed from weeks in the PICU when I was never alone for a minute (Nathan had one on one nursing care) to process anything. I remember kneeling in the hospital chapel and almost vomiting. I remember multiple Sundays in church sobbing my way through worship because even as I sang truths about God's character I was begging him to show me they were in fact true. I remember moments of doubt and confusion and trying to reconcile a pain that felt strong enough to kill me with the love of a Savior who died for me. I remember the exhaustion of the mental and spiritual battle to surrender the very deepest part of my heart, my child, to God. So much about my circumstances were screaming at me not to trust Him anymore... But as I read and read and poured over the Bible and other books I was convinced all over again that the God of the Bible was the only actual hope that I had. At the end of my deepest pain and in the midst of the potential for my deepest fears to become reality I have found and am finding that I have no more satisfying answers to "why" today than I did a year ago. But, I have also found and am finding a God who truly is greater, more magnificent, glorious and more personal than I knew.
So, today as we CELEBRATE and REMEMBER this is the song the kids and I have had on repeat all day at our house -> NEVER ONCE. We've all danced and I've cried as the truths of each line have penetrated the walls of our home and my heart.
On Nathan's First Birthday there is so much to REMEMBER and CELEBRATE.
We remember that LIFE is a gift and we celebrate Nathan's.
Above all, we remember that God is FAITHFUL and we celebrate the ways he has shown us that as we have walked through the valley.
We CELEBRATE the birth of our precious son one year ago.
We REMEMBER the shock, fear and panic that grabbed and twisted our hearts the moment he was born.
We CELEBRATE incredible doctor's, specialists, and others who by doing their job excellently ensured our son's safety during the first days of his life.
We REMEMBER the fog, the weight, the emptiness of dreams crumbling around us and the sting of eyes that have cried out all their tears.
We CELEBRATE that at the end of our dreams our God is still good.
We REMEMBER the days when we couldn't touch him, the weeks of the ventilator when we could see him cry and cough but not hear his voice.
We CELEBRATE having him in our arms (heavy, awkward casts and all) and the joy it brings us to hear him laugh.
We REMEMBER walking past his room and wondering if he would ever come back to it... wondering if our home would ever actually be his home.
We CELEBRATE no unexpected hospital admissions since June and looking at seeing our son in his crib every night before we go to bed.
We REMEMBER thinking breastfeeding was so important.
We CELEBRATE his general surgeon and the three surgeries he preformed on Nathan to allow his body to pass and process food. And we CELEBRATE his feeding tube which has allowed him to grow and thrive.
We REMEMBER the piles of bills. Piles and piles of astronomically high bills.
We CELEBRATE the family and friends who have given so generously along the way.
We REMEMBER the time that our son "coded" in the hospital (he totally stopped breathing and was unable to take a breathe.) As people literally came running and yelling into the room throwing chairs out the the way to get close to his bed, we stood back - our eyes locked on his little body even as we saw the lines on the monitors get flatter and flatter...
We CELEBRATE that he finally took another breathe.
We REMEMBER the overwhelming, every day tasks of laundry, cleaning, groceries, caring for Madison and Jonny working.
We CELEBRATE each of our moms who, for seven months straight, each came at least once a month for a week or two to help. And our incredible friends who cared for our daughter, washed our laundry, brought meals to the hospital and home, cleaned, flew in to help, sent cards and gift cards, organized fundraisers and stood in the gap for us.
There is MUCH to remember and MUCH to celebrate.
Some moments are so painful that part of me wishes I could forget them but I know I will and must remember. There are moments so dark, so cold and so lonely that the only thing I can do when I remember them is to beg the Lord, "remind me or show me how you were there." I remember being so dazed from weeks in the PICU when I was never alone for a minute (Nathan had one on one nursing care) to process anything. I remember kneeling in the hospital chapel and almost vomiting. I remember multiple Sundays in church sobbing my way through worship because even as I sang truths about God's character I was begging him to show me they were in fact true. I remember moments of doubt and confusion and trying to reconcile a pain that felt strong enough to kill me with the love of a Savior who died for me. I remember the exhaustion of the mental and spiritual battle to surrender the very deepest part of my heart, my child, to God. So much about my circumstances were screaming at me not to trust Him anymore... But as I read and read and poured over the Bible and other books I was convinced all over again that the God of the Bible was the only actual hope that I had. At the end of my deepest pain and in the midst of the potential for my deepest fears to become reality I have found and am finding that I have no more satisfying answers to "why" today than I did a year ago. But, I have also found and am finding a God who truly is greater, more magnificent, glorious and more personal than I knew.
So, today as we CELEBRATE and REMEMBER this is the song the kids and I have had on repeat all day at our house -> NEVER ONCE. We've all danced and I've cried as the truths of each line have penetrated the walls of our home and my heart.
On Nathan's First Birthday there is so much to REMEMBER and CELEBRATE.
We remember that LIFE is a gift and we celebrate Nathan's.
Above all, we remember that God is FAITHFUL and we celebrate the ways he has shown us that as we have walked through the valley.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation.
~Psalm 100:5~
Not everyone who has been through such trials can express it with such eloquence and faith. Thank you.
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